And I wrote it.
Installing multiple operating systems with full encryption should not be as hard as it is. Installing multiple versions of Windows side-by-side with both of them encrypted shouldn't involve installing Linux and hacking chained bootloaders with GRUB in a half-assed workaround. It certainly shouldn't involve leaving in menu options that will break everything should they be chosen by accident. But because it's Windows, and Windows barely plays well with other versions of itself, it involves digital duct tape that amounts to the exact opposite of the elegance that Linux has spoiled me with.
So just how ugly can it be? I spent the last week writing it up, so I might as well unveil it. Without further ado, I present Frankenstein's Monster: Encrypted PC Triple-Boot with TrueCrypt and LUKS Howto.